Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Fuck Blockbuster up the ass

I mean it. No doubt you've seen the latest example of Blockbuster's death throes: the new television commercials in which hordes of rapturous Blockbuster cultists do the Safety Dance to the idea of watching unlimited movies for a mere $14.99 a month. Blockbuster is waging a campaign of desperation against the infinitely superior Netflix online service, hoping to milk a few more dollars out of us junkies before they finally go the way of the dodo bird.

To the impartial observer, Blockbuster's offer isn't bad. For a mere 15 bones a month, you can watch as many movies as you want-- keep out three at a time from their online service or one at a time from the brick-and-mortar stores. You can watch movies until your eyes bleed. You can host your very own Adam Sandler film festival. You can keep White Chicks in your DVD player for a whole year if you want. What's not to love?

I'll tell you what's not to love. For many, many years, Blockbuster was the only game in my town, and probably yours. Oh sure, you could always slink into Hollywood Video, the K-Mart to Blockbuster's Wal-Mart. Or you could patronize the local mom-and-pop and try to score their one copy of The Two Towers while skirting past the pervs creeping into the adult section in the curtained-off rear of the store. But if you craved reasonable access to the latest Hollywood releases, it was pretty much Blockbuster or nothing.

And what did those motherfuckers do? They soaked us for late fees for years. I personally could have purchased a brand new Ford Expedition with the amount of money I donated to those bastards in late fees. When you returned the movie a month late and tried to rent another one, the weasily clerks made you grovel like a slave while you ponied up the $28 late fee just so you could rent Clerks. If your rental return was so late that you avoided Blockbuster out of embarrassment, they then sent collection agencies after you to collect the late fees as if they were credit card debt. They were to customer service what the Exxon Valdez was to the Alaskan shoreline.

And now they want to play all nice and let us have as many movies as we want for a low monthly fee? I have two words for Blockbuster: fuck you. Eat shit and die, you worthless cocksuckers. Karma has finally come around to bite you in the ass. You're scared; I can see it in your eyes. And when your awful blue-and-yellow bandboxes are finally empty husks, and we're all downloading the latest releases straight to our TiVos from our favorite online service, I will personally stop by the boarded-up Blockbuster store closest to my home, and piss on your grave. It will be no less than you deserve.

1 Comments:

At 6:38 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

oh the humanity.

now direct this vitroil at george lucas! ;)

 

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