On Monday, January 16, NBC broadcast the annual Golden Globes award ceremony. Having absolutely nothing better to do on a Monday night, Mr. Fabulous and his wife, the lovely and talented Mrs. Fabulous, recorded our thoughts about the Globes in a running broadcast commentary. It’s such fascinating reading, we know you’ll want to hang with us all the way to the end.I. Mr. Fabulous begins
We’re watching the Golden Globes pre-game show right now. In a nutshell, it’s the pretty and dim being interviewed by the congenitally stupid. Matt Dillon and Johnny Depp seem heavily medicated. Anthony Hopkins has slipped back into
Remains-of-the-Day mode. Maria Carrey is surprisingly coherent. Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker actually seem happy. Mrs. Fabulous and I are rooting for them to stay together—because if they get divorced, then there’s no hope for any married couple in Hollywood. Hillary Swank without Chad Lowe, for example, looks like the Skipper without Gilligan.
Jamie Foxx is going to hook up with his interviewer after the show. Confirmed.
Scarlett Johansson gives new meaning to the phrase “golden globes.”
II. The ShowWhat a terrible, wretched takeoff of that wretched Pussycat Dolls song for the opener. Good gravy, shame is dead in this country.
Queen Latifah— remember when she hated whitey?
Adrian Brody— what an ugly fucking tux. Best Supporting Actor coming up… George Clooney, Matt Dillon, Will “Ego Train” Farrell, Paul Giamatti, Bob Hoskins. The GG goes to… Clooney for
Syriana. Good choice. Clooney’s had a great year. Plus he pulled a De Niro in that movie, so come on. Great dig on Jack Abramoff at the end.
Best Supporting Actress. Scarlett Johansson… Shirley MacLaine, Frances McDormand, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams. I’m rooting for Williams… but Weisz takes it down. She looks like one of Captain Kirk’s conquests on
Star Trek.
III.Jessica Alba… you just can’t call her anything but smokin’ hot. The TV awards are on now… pardon me while I doze off.
Superman Returns star Brandon Routh is let out in public for the first time. He looks uncannily like the late Christopher Reeve. But it’s more TV stuff, so it’s time to surf Fark.com. But wait! Sandra Oh staves off certain coma with a cool acceptance speech. “I feel like I’ve been set on fire!”
IV.Drew Barrymore needs a Wonderbra— the girls are hanging low. She introduces
Good Night, and Good Luck., which oughta win something. David Strathairn is an actor’s actor, a veteran of the trenches, and is enjoying some late recognition for a lifetime of fantastic work.
When did Natalie Portman become Winona Ryder?
More TV stuff. Haven’t seen any of it, so I can’t comment… but Gina Davis’s thank-you speech for
Commander in Chief kicked ass. Girlfriend has got it going on. So does Evangeline Lily— but in an entirely different way.
V.Melanie Griffith looks like she’s about to collapse into a pile of tattooed limbs, fake tits and plastic surgery scars. She’s introducing
The Producers… which is the next best thing to paying $200 to see it on Broadway.
More TV… haven’t seen a single one of these made-for-TV movies. I’ll bet some of em are good, but I’ll never see one.
Empire Falls wins… too bad Paul Newman isn’t around. Seeing him in his twilight years makes me feel old as shit. Pamela Anderson, meanwhile, may be the greatest drag queen who ever lived.
The Steve Carell winning streak continues. Let’s hope he doesn’t board the Ego Train like Will Farrell. His speech rocks, though. Everybody seems to realize that this idiotic broadcast is supposed to entertain those of us whose lives are so pathetic and sad that we have nothing better to do on a Monday night but watch the Golden Globes.
VI. Mr. Fabulous bows out to take a dump
Mrs. Fabulous here— I’m waiting for the commercial break to be over and just looking over Mr. F’s notes. Always with Evangeline Lily. Ugh! What about the dude who plays Sawyer? Have to keep my eyes peeled for a glimpse of him. See, I don’t even know his name so I think my lusting is less offensive than his…
Tim Robbins. Isn’t he one of those Scientologists? Can’t look at him without seeing him as a puppet in
Team America: World Police. He looks better as a puppet. He oughta lay off whatever it is he’s smoking, snorting or huffing, because he looks rough.
Ugh. Jamie Foxx. There’s a guy who’s so in love with himself that he could never find a woman who could love him more. Yes, you can sing, but enough already!!
Time for Best Actress in a musical or comedy. Judi Dentch, Keira Knightley— I’m way jealous of that young, talented, pretty thing— Laura Linney for
The Squid and the Whale: want to see it, but I need to forget about her horrible role in
Mystic River— Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon.
Walk the Line is hardly a comedy or a musical…interesting choice. Reese wins it just seconds after Mr. F says he hopes she gets it. Good for you, dear. She’s cute as a bug and I didn’t even hate those
Legally Blonde movies, even though that type of chick-flick ain’t usually my bag, baby. She’s thanking Joaquin Phoenix, who used to be quite a looker but has never fully recovered from
Ladder 49.
Chris Rock awards Best Actress in a TV comedy. All the Desperate Housewives, of course. That Chris— so funny. I’m kind of sick of looking at these ladies, and I don’t even watch the show— but I accidentally have a subscription to
Star magazine, so I’m sick of seeing them in those pages week after week after week. Can’t wait ‘til that subscription runs out so I can quit reading it cover to cover. I know more about Kevin Federline than I ever wanted to…and I had never even heard of him before.
Rock says Eva Longoria is nominated for
Chico and the Man. That
Weeds chick needs to RE-LAX! And she wins! Thank God! We won’t have to watch one of the Housewives rub it into the rest of the cast’s faces for the remainder of the year. And we thought she had no shot. Mary Louise Parker— I always get her and Bridgette Fonda mixed up– don’t ask me how. Well, let’s see if Mr. F. likes what I’m doing….we’ll see if I’m fired or not.
VII.Emmas Thompson: now there’s half of a couple I had hoped would stay together. She and Kenneth Branagh were one of my first favorite couples to fall apart. She’s slowly turning into Julie Andrews. Introducing
Pride and Prejudice… she looks nice. It’s so weird to see how low some women’s tits are, but I guess that’s natural. The ones that stand up, I guess must be fake. I’m too scared to look at my own boobs, thank you very much.
Eric Bana. Oh, yeah. Saw him on the red carpet ,and knew his name sounded familiar but couldn’t place him –
Munich. Duh. He’s handsome.
Kenneth Branagh,
Warm Springs. Oops. Best actor in a TV movie or mini-series. There’s the other half of the ex-couple. Ed Harris,
Empire Falls. I’m sick of this show already and I never even saw it— although I do love me some Ed Harris. Nice face, Ed. Bill Nighy,
The Girl in the Café. Never heard of it. We’re not TV folks, per se. I mean, we see our fair share of TV, don’t get me wrong. Between TLC, the Food Network and let’s not forget my personal favorite, The Weather Channel, we watch a lot.
Jonathon Rhys Meyers as Elvis. Man, I read about this in one of my
Star mags, I guess too late. We would have liked to have seen that show. Donald Sutherland,
Human Trafficking. If you’re Kiefer, you have to be scared for what you’re going to look like in a few years. Speaking of Kiefer, there is no way in hell I could ever get into
24 thanks to that stupid fucking
Phone Booth movie. Every time I hear his voice, I hear, “A ringing phone just has to be answered.” And you just have to be destroyed…you should have stuck with
The Lost Boys.
Jonathan won. Go, King! Too bad it wasn’t on MTV or something because you know they’d be replaying it a million times. Oh, well. I guess we can rent it from Netflix when the time comes. Is he Irish? What the ham sandwich??
If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap! Skinny tie, though. He looks like he just stepped out of
Trainspotting. Now I really want to see him as Elvis.
Best actress in a mini series or TV movie. Halle Berry,
Their Eyes Were Watching God. This must be like the first role in which she doesn’t take her clothes off…Kelly MacDonald,
The Girl in the Café. Mr. F. says she was in
Trainspotting. S. Epatha Merkerson,
Lackawanna Blues. You have to wonder what the S. stands for if Epatha seemed like a better choice…Cynthia Nixon, Warm Springs. Seeing her makes me think of lesbians. which reminds me of Sandra Oh, who thanked her rock, Margo. Is she a carpet-muncher? Not that there’s anything wrong with that….
You’re getting married on Saturday?!? Mira Sorvino,
Human Trafficking. Missed this one as well. Haven’t seen her since that horrible horror flick, the name of which escapes me. That was some compelling acting…hope she doesn’t win. Oh, good. S. Epatha won. Never heard of this picture, but we saw earlier that Terrence Howard was in it, too, and I think he’s fabulous. S. is 53 and she said it’s her first starring role in a movie. And she’s having hot flashes. Though her name remains a mystery, she seems like a nice woman. Oh, she’s from
Law & Order. Thought she looked familiar. Has
L&O been on for 16 years?
VIII. Mr. Fabulous returns.Match Point— gotta catch it as soon as it reaches the hinterlands. Wags are calling it the best Woody Allen film since
Crimes and Misdemeanors, which is high praise indeed considering that the latter film is Woody’s best ever.
Virginia Madsen continues the Golden Globes tit parade… screenplay award.
Match Point,
Good Night, and Good Luck.,
Crash,
Munich,
Brokeback Mountain. We’ll see if
Brokeback starts racking them up…. Yep.
Brokeback is now the undisputed front-runner for Best Picture at the Oscars. But
Munich and
Good Night are both better films. Larry McMurtry looks and sounds like a
South Park character.
IX.
A couple of no-name TV actors give the award for Best TV comedy. The show about the four suburban drag queens won. Thank god for TV, though, because it keeps 40-something bulimic actresses employed. Lord knows they don’t get to make movies.
Penelope Cruz looks sublimely glamorous as she presents Best Picture, musical or comedy nominee
Mrs. Henderson Presents. Her squeeze, Matthew McConaughey, introduces Best Foreign Language film.
Kung Fu Hustle should win, but I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that
Paradise Now wins it. It does. Yep. I know how the game works. But
Kung Fu Hustle was the most brilliantly inventive film to come out of any country in 2005. It showed us that CGI effects now allow live-action filmmakers to be as diabolically inventive as Chuck Jones.
X.Catherine Deneuve introduces
A History of Violence, which should be nominated in the Comedy category. Why am I the only critic in America who understands that this picture is a comedy?
Best Original Score, which is a bathroom break category. I’m guessing
Brokeback takes this one too— but John Williams gets his 10,000th award. Then it’s Mariah Carrey, who takes the Golden Globe award for Biggest Beefsteak Tomatoes. Hope Mel Brooks wins for best song. Nope, it’s
Brokeback. The gay-shepherd juggernaut continues. It does give one hope that
Brokeback is playing well in the red states. Maybe the Falwell crowd doesn’t have us licked yet.
Time for the Anthony Hopkins celebrity butt-kiss-a-thon. I remember a few years ago, Kirk Douglas was honored with the Thalberg award at the Oscars. The poor man had just suffered a terrible stroke. There he was on stage, a shell of his former self, forced to watch film clips of himself as a vibrant young man, and I thought, could anything be more depressing? As Kurt Vonnegut’s Kilgore Trout said when he finally met his creator in
Breakfast of Champions: “Make me young!”
What the fuck is going on with Gwyneth Paltrow’s gown? Little Bo Peep called, she wants her dress back… Anthony Hopkins has had a fantastic career— although he edged painfully close to De Niro-style career suicide with that Chris Rock picture. And
Silence of the Lambs really was the best picture of 1991. Speech time… he should launch into a Hitler-esque tirade. Instead, he’s putting us to sleep. Man, I remember when the Golden Globes used to poor stiff drinks and get everyone fucked up. Now it seems like they’re serving iced tea in those glasses.
XI.Mandy Moore tees up
The Squid and the Whale… who woulda thought that she’d be the one to escape the teen idol ghetto?
Clint! Best director: Woody Allen, George Clooney, Peter Jackson, Ang Lee, Fernando Meirelles, Spielberg. Ang Lee will win… yep. Lee is a class act, though, and he deserves the recognition. My favorite Lee picture is one that no one ever mentions—
Ride with the Devil, the Civil War opus with Toby Maguire. It’s an awesome recreation of the guerrilla war that raged in Kansas and Missouri while Lee and McLellan were duking it out in Virginia. Also features the acting debut of former alterna-queen Jewel, who if memory serves flashes a breast. Put it in your Netflix queue if you haven’t had the pleasure.
Oh crap, here comes Big-Head Travolta. Best actor in a comedy: Pierce Bronson, Jeff Daniels, Johnny Depp, Nathan Lane, Cillian Murphy, Joaquin Phoenix. Phoenix takes it— let’s hope for a freak-out! He doesn’t appear to be drunk or stoned; that’s too bad. What a depressingly average speech. Sigh… somebody needs to spike the Evian with LSD.
XII.Tim McGraw needs cue-card help; he may in fact be drunk. Now here comes Squinty Girl to hand out best musical or comedy…
Mrs. Henderson Presents,
Pride and Prejudice,
The Producers,
The Squid and the Whale,
Walk the Line. Gotta be
WTL… woo-hoo! Johnny and June are dancing a jig in Heaven. It’s not a classic, you understand, but it’s still a pretty damn good love story and it deserves a nod here—after all, it’s gonna be a
Brokeback hoedown at the Oscars. Everything else will be forgotten.
Time for the TV awards… ho hum. Let’s hope
Lost takes best drama. Woo-hoo! It’s the only TV show I watch, so of course I’m happy to have my tastes confirmed.
XIII.
Quaid on
Brokeback… I gotta say, I’m glad Ledger hooked up with Williams on that film. She’s a cutie. Leo on best actress: Huffman, Bello, Theron, Ziang, Paltrow. Goes to… the chick with the dick. Looks like one of the Housewives isn’t so desperate anymore.
Hillary Swank on best actor: Crowe, Hoffman, Howard, Ledger, Strathairn. Rooting for Hoffman, but I bet Ledger gets it. No! Hoffman! Sweet. The Pudgy One gets his due. The guy has been brilliant for so long and in so many different ways that he’s spent a lifetime getting overlooked. Hope this puts him in position to upset Ledger for the Oscar. Ledger is great, don’t get me wrong… but this is Hoffman’s time. Of course, I thought last year was Giamatti’s time, and Foxx snatched his statue away. Still too short and tame a speech… the Globes are becoming as dull as the Oscars ever were. More liquor!
Denzel with the Big Prize:
Brokeback,
Constant Gardener,
Good Night,
History,
Match Point.
Brokeback it is—
yawn. Every time I hear those laconic guitar chords, I want to nod off.
There it is… the first attempt by Mr. and Mrs. Fabulous to blog our way though an entire awards ceremony. If you made it this far, then you have our sympathies. Of course, reading about the Golden Globes takes a hell of a lot less time than actually watching them… so maybe we’re the ones who need the sympathy.
Thanks to the Diva Queen for forwarding this game. The rules are simple: Take a movie title and replace one word with the word tampon. The result is supposed to be more or less funny. A selection, based on various e-mail strings collected by Mrs. Fabulous, follows below.
